Well, I finally caught a cold this week, ending my claim to immunity to all disease. I have not, however, completely discounted the possibility that my "cold" was actually an super-powerful intergalactic virus that rode to Earth on a meteorite and would have been wildly contagious and lethal, had my immune system not utterly crushed it.
Normal immune system:
Me (possibly):
Lending support to the Superior Constitutional Affluence Theory is the recent development that Blatz no longer has deleterious effects on my digestive system. Before you declare this a divine act, I have to disclose that it has taken the better part of two cases and two weeks for my body to adjust to its new chemical makeup.
Bottom line: My Constitution score has risen from 18 to the demi-god/hobo level of 19. I also get +3 bonus to all saving throws versus poison. I am unsure about my status regarding Lycanthropy.
OK, Emily. I am a liar, but you should have known that.
Things have been really busy here, so I have already missed a few weeks of blogging. Plus, we just got Netflix.
This year I have already missed a few golden opportunities for blogs (bloggertunities).
It’s too late to talk about Christmas or New Years.
Now that the Packers’ season is over, I missed my chance to expound on the virtues of having a professional wrestler as linebacker coach.
And Lucy tearing off Bob Barker’s balls as retribution for his anti-reproductive rights demagoguery is just plain old news.
BUT PANIC NO MORE! I have some hot new content that is going to blow the internets’ mind!
PROFILE OF A FRIEND: Part 6- Emily S.
Emily only sees me a few times each year, and those times are, without exception, among my most abhorrently drunken episodes.
She could choose to regard me as raging alcoholic asshole with no respect for any person, place, or liver. She could dismiss me as a reckless fire-jumping showoff. Even worse, she could have written me off as one of her brother’s loser friends.
Instead, presumably using the innate forgiveness common to all American Indians, Emily has chosen to look past any mildly racist comments I may have uttered during those juiced-up incidents and made herself my friend.
GREATEST ACHEIVEMENTS:
-Has captured with her camera some of the most thrilling camping exploits ever performed. -Was Markus’ first kiss. -Has the movie Newsies memorized, even the hardcore gay sex scenes. -Loves all dogs unconditionally, even if she has never met them. -Possesses an unrelenting hatred of the Minnesota Vikings, despite the innate forgiveness common to all American Indians. -Was Jake’s last kiss -Is a member of Team Conan. -Was Markus’ last kiss. -Tim is still alive.
Emily, thank you for you friendship/codependence/enabling.
I am hanging out waiting for Megatron to get home from work. Then we are going to party the fuck down.
Actually, we're probably going to stay home and watch reruns on TV.
Then tomorrow we're going to party the fuck down. The Cool Waters Band reunion is one day away and all the Fox Valley's coolest cats are going to be there. I plan on posing as Aaron Rodgers to sneak into the VIP lounge to smoke bong loads with Marion Barry and Senator Insanitos.
I am rolling from La Crosse with my tightest posse- Megatron 312-81, Lil' Danger Pawz, and Da Ass Bawwmb Killah.
Can you believe this is Da Ass Bawwmb Killah's first trip to the Fox Valley?
Anyone who is going to be there should bring their party pants and probably their drinking shoes. Adam's house is walking distance away! Marion Barry is going to post-party there!
Have nice weekends, y'all.
Friday, December 11, 2009
I am bringing the blog back. This week was my thirty-first birthday, and I think that is as good a reason as any to start this shit machine up again. Some of you may be thinking, “Brad, you are going to post three blogs and disappear again. We can’t go through this again!”
Not this time, muchachos! I am committing to posting at least one blog per week for one year. That’s a guaranteed 52 editions of Brad goodness.
But wait, there’s more! In addition to the 52 regular editions of The Blog of Brad, preferred subscribers will get access to bonus editorials, holiday specials, and a Packer Super Bowl XLIV supplemental.
There may even be surprise celebrity contributions. I shouldn't give away too many details, but I’ll tell you that he wears sandals, walks on water, and has a deep hatred of Nutella that he wants to tell the world about!
NUTELLA !!!!!!
So yeah, that’s it. It was my birthday.
Monday, June 8, 2009
Brett Favre will soon be giving a definitive answer to the Vikqueens. Who thought this moment would ever happen? When Montana joined the Chiefs I shrugged him off as a diehard racist, but Favre going to Minnesota is pure egomaniacal vengeance! I can respect that.
But this is just another notch in the belt of progress. True change we never thought was possible is raining on our doorstep. THE TIMES THEY ARE A CHANGING! (exclamation)
REAL reform of our health care system is at hand!!! (exclamtaiotn, exclamation, exclamation!!!) We will never torture again, we respect Arab nations, Israeli autonomy, and chicks.
But North Korea can suck us. They test a nuke, Obama sends in F-22's, they cry about escalation, Obama says," Hey, its cool."
The Polar Plunge was colder than I remember. I was reassured, knowing that at this time of year the Black River's fecal count is at its lowest. Freeze Cuz We Believe was our team of EBHE-AllSTARS. Feeling my body seizing up, trying to get out of the water, made me think of Brett Favre's last playoff game.
Besides the plunge itself, an equally memorable chain of events unfolded when a chick walked into the men's changing tent, just while two enormous old hillbillies were completely naked. After she screamed and ran out, the two were vocally disappointed that she had left so quickly.
Things were relatively under control at that point.
Some long-haired goth-boyscout types came in the tent, and Animal (the REALLY hairy hillbilly) says, "Hey, its another one! And another one!"
Then he starts singing the song "Turn The Page," specifically the part that goes, "its the same old cliches, is that a woman or a man."
Suddenly he's angry that no one was singing along. "What's fuckin' the matter, don't you kids know the classics?"
My teammate Andy (position: left splashback) stands up and responds angrily, "Hey! We know the Bob Seger!"
That's when I got in both their beards and spit out, "Yeah, we listen to the same shitty radio station every day at work and every time that song plays I mention how much I hate it..."
Then Andy and I busted into a shreddin' a cappella cover of "How I Could Just Kill A Man."
Those guys buzzed off. AND THAT'S HOW YOU KEEP THA PEACE!
That's right, Hugito. I am retracting all "props" which have been bestowed upon thee!
You were cool when you used to smoke Cubans and jam with Harry Belefonte.
Who could forget the drama at the United Nations when you called George Bush the devil and received an ovation?
You hobnobbed with the movers and shakers of Hollywood!
You gave the poor of Venezuela the feeling that they have a stake in the future of their nation.
SLUMS AND 'BURBS OF CARACAS:
I understand that when trying to maintain order within a society with such vast disparities in wealth, you sometimes need an external source of fear to deflect criticism of your regime's shortcomings.
But now your favorite target, the evil Gee-Dub, is out and Barack-Obama-Super-Star is in, and it is time for a new boogieman.
Is anti-semitism really the best you can come up with? You're careful not to say anything too inflammatory, beyond run-of-the-mill anti-zionism, but its hard to believe, with all your control over your nation's media, that you do not approve of the stream of anti-semitic rants coming from Venezuelan pundits.
I guess we shouldn't be too surprised, since your gay lover Mahmoud is a Holocaust-denying douche who has used Israel and the struggle of the Palestinian people in the exact same way for years.
"What? You don't have anything to eat? That's interesting, but did hear what those jack-offs in Israel did yesterday?"
