Blog of Brad

Torchlight Parade Signals Rise of the Northside

2011-09-30T10:12:00.000-07:00

The Torchlight Parade was a success last night. The wind and rain broke just in time for us to walk down to the happening with the Carlicksons. We were lucky enough to score invites to watch from the home of Mayor Harter, Pride of the Northside. Rubbing elbows with the bourgeois of La Crosse can be intimidating but during Oktoberfest the social strata dissolve into a friendly yet pungent mixture of beer, brats, and kraut. Ein Prosit!

PARADE NOTES:

It’s not often I get to see the same float three times in less than a week, and let me tell you, the former Mrs. Oktoberfests just keep getting sexier by the day!

Police officers patrolling the parade route were on bikes instead of Segways this year, which makes financial and ecological sense, but is way less cool.

It was cool seeing George Wendt sitting on a stool at a bar on a float. I think he even got to have a beer. Oktoberfest definitely needs more alcoholic celebrities livening up the festivities. I wonder which Northside dive he headed to afterwards. Probably Track II.

George hanging at the South Side Festgrounds for craft beer night

I hope George Lucas is getting a cut from all the lightsabers that vendors were hawking up and down the street, ‘cause he needs the cash more than carnies.

One of the bands dropped a glowstick by us and I ran over and grabbed it, but then a little kid said, “I wanted that…” I was going to give him a lecture about self reliance and not asking for handouts, but I realized he was surrounded by kids with all sorts of seizure inducing flair and he had none at all, so I handed it over.

For the third time in as many parades there was no Bearcat sighting. The public outcry against wasteful spending when the county sherriff bought the thing was bad enough pre-recession, and I am guessing they didn’t want to initiate any new discussions about their budget.

(Is $180,000 worth the ability to initiate stand-offs with tax-hating freedom-loving citizens?)

There is only one thing that has been bringing down my festing this year- Menards. They have been running a commercial ad nauseum touting their Octoberfest specials. Octoberfest? OCTOBERFEST??? IT’S OKTOBERFEST, you uncultured bafoons!

Hurts the eyes, doesn't it? I am impressed someone posted this screenshot on the web just for me to steal.

Okotberfest doesn’t have to end this weekend! Jim Busta Band is playing the Trempealeau Hotel next Thursday! See ya all there!

La Crosse Tabloid Achieves Excellence, Then Retreats

2011-09-29T14:30:00.000-07:00

Editors at the La Crosse Tribune were roundly praised by media watchdogs this week for their banner headline: “SHOCKTOBERFEST.” The article was about a man whose life was saved at the Maple Leaf Parade by a portable defibrillator.The edition went to the presses and the papers shipped out to the community. Then someone must have realized how truly awesome this headline was because their online edition immediately changed the headline to a boring “Man credits defibrillator with saving his life at Maple Leaf Parade.”

Why this sudden backslide in the Tribune’s tabloid excellence? This is the publication that gets more mileage out of a mug shot than TMZ. Typical mug shot repost timeline (honestly not even exaggerated for blog purposes):

1) For the arrest
2) For the arraignment
3) For the preliminary hearing
4) For the indictment
5) For the jury selection
6) For the day before the trial
7) For the day of the trial (for multiday proceedings a photo of the perp sitting in their orange jumpsuit next to their attorney may be substituted for the mug shot)
8) For the sentencing
9) For the editorial decrying the light sentence
10) For the appeal
11) For the probation release
12) For the Department of Corrections request to revoke probation
13) More probation stuff
14) For the revocation of probation
15) For the annual roundup of year’s top news stories

Just don’t let your baby die and hide it in a cooler and then violate probation six times, because then you will sell more newspapers in La Crosse than 1,000 Scott Walkers. A quick search on the La Crosse Tribune website turns up about 40 articles on Indra Book. Thanks for making her the face of our community!

Meth and heroin cases are also big moneymakers, especially if someone dies. Still, nothing may ever trump the biggest tragic spectacle the Tribune has cashed in on to date- the saga of Philip Schuth, whose mom is cooler than your mom. For months on end I had to see this picture almost every morning:

FIFTY STORIES!!! It took Indra years of infractions to rack up the coverage this guy got. Tribune headlines about the endlessly fascinating Schuth:

1 Shooting suspect holed up after French Island standoff
2 Stand-off ends, body found in freezer
3 Body found in freezer after standoff: Police look into motives for hiding corpse
4 Neighbors say Schuths were reclusive, thought Edith was in nursing home
5 Family recounts events that led to French Island shooting
6 Man had corpse, weapons and explosives in French Island home, authorities say
7 Police move freezer, work to I.D. body
8 Childhood friends say mother kept Schuth from normal life
9 Schuth claims he hid his mother's body for 4 1/2 years, feared murder charge
10 A Schuth Family history
11 Woman in freezer died of natural causes, autopsy reveals
12 Hard to feel sympathy, but it's there
13 Schuth figured stash of cash would last 5 years
14 Schuth's weapons legal — mostly
15 Schuth charged with eight felonies
16 Schuth charged with 8 felonies; judge orders competency hearing
17 NEWS TRACKERS: Schutch competency evaluation completed
18 Car magnets reference French Island incident
19 Judge: Schuth competent for trial
20 Schuth found competent for trial
21 Trial date set for Schuth
22 Schuth to stand trial in October
23 Philip Schuth: The man behind French Island's 'Freezer Mom' case speaks out
24 Family suing Schuth
25 Going in the Schuth house
26 Prosecutors offer Schuth plea deal
27 Philip Schuth allowed to visit mother's grave site
28 Horne has tough case to make
29 Schuth prepared to plead
30 Schuth pleads no contest

31 Schuth gets seven years, apologizes to Russells, Jennifer Garner

32 Schuth: I should have killed myself

33 2005: A strange sense of deja vu
34 Top 10 local stories of the year
35 Schuth charged in federal court
36 Schuth facing fraud charges
37 Schuth pleads not guilty to federal charges
38 Schuth in court on Social Security charges
39 Schuth pleads guilty to federal charges
40 Schuth admits to Social Security fraud
41 Man shot at by Schuth settles for $25,000
42 Schuth sentenced in fraud case, won't get extra prison time
43 Schuth house may be demolished soon
44 Town of Campbell wants Schuth to raze his property
45 Schuth house to be torn down
46 Long-deteriorating French Island home of Philip Schuth razed
47 Schuth case is focus of TV program
48 Schuth aims to stay in 'hole'
49 Stories of the decade: the lists
50 Timeline of top stories from the 2000s

I can’t believe the car magnets got their own article, and I can’t believe I forgot about the Jennifer Garner connection! I guess the Trib should resurrect the story every few years to remind us of these sordid details. I wouldn’t buy the paper, but I would read the online version just to see and contribute to the inane comments.

Don't run from your trashiness, La Crosse Tribune, run toward it! SCOTCHTOBERFEST FOR LIFE!

Packers Somehow Win Despite Wiener Dogs Not Wearing Team Bandanas

2011-09-20T12:50:00.000-07:00

Yeah, 2-0, baby! That’s pretty much as good as you can do. Charles Woodson is impressing the hell out of me this year. He is more than living up to his designation as the Ric Flair of the NFL. Check out this week one highlight:

Woodson has probably thrown that punch 1000 times and got away with it every time. He was only caught this time because Ryan Pickett failed to distract the ref. Success was found last Sunday, however, when officials missed Woodson’s hit on Jonathan Stewart well after his helmet came off. B.J. Raji had “inadvertently” trampled half the referees in the course of the play.

Charles had some interceptions too.

What else is fascinating in recent events?

We partied at the North Star Friday night with the Dynamic recycling crew. It had been too long since I had a boot. John Dachik visited and made a nerd of himself showing us pictures from his visit to the steps where Laurel and Hardy filmed The Music Box.

The Oktoberfest Medallion has been found, and Yemenis raged against the machine of President Ali Abdullah Saleh.

Al Qaeda’s Yemeni presence can’t be ignored, but let’s hope O’Bomb ‘em doesn’t take us on another nation-building binge. It could be likely though…

9/13/2001 - America Defeats Terror

2011-09-12T10:29:00.000-07:00

The events of September 11, 2001 left the nation shocked. How could this happen? What was coming next? Would there ever be a return to normalcy? At a time when so many citizens were gripped with fear and uncertainty, the nation needed a sign that life would go on. That’s why Vince McMahon’s decision to carry on with a live episode of WWE Smackdown on 9/13/2011 was so important.

In the wake of the tragedy many Americans felt they could no longer enjoy the frivolities that had made them so happy just days before. People were wary that any mass gathering of people would instantly be targeted by evil-doers. How long would the paralysis last? Vince, the modern-day P.T. Barnum, bravely declared that the show must go on.

Vince opened the show, declaring, “Make no mistake about the message this public assembly is sending to terrorism tonight. And that message quite simply is that we will not live our lives in fear. The citizens of Houston are not afraid. The citizens of Texas are, indeed, not afraid. And, by God, the citizens of the United States are not afraid.”

The feeling of world community was undeniable in the arena that night. The normally xenophobic crowd gave thunderous applause the William Regal, a man normally reviled for his audacity to speak in a British accent on American soil. Canadian wrestlers declared their love for America. The American Hero, Kurt Angle, instantly transformed from a goofy and villainous parody of hyper-patriotism to a symbol of American integrity and excellence.

Weeks before President Bush urged Americans to go to Disneyland, Vince McMahon urged them to watch guys slam each other through tables. Our nation still bears the scars of 9/11, but WWE provided one of the first band aids. Thank you, Mr. McMahon, for giving us that night and stay classy!

ABC Family Network Invades Oktoberfest; Pat Robertson Vows Revenge

2011-09-08T09:51:00.000-07:00

The sacred tradition of Oktoberfest in La Crosse has been under attack from culture warriors for a long time. After parade float drivers began to be breath-a-lyzed in the mid 2000’s, the creep of cultural oppression continued with public intoxication ordinances (thankfully unenforced), and the banning of alcohol from floats all together. When I heard a segment of the Maple Leaf parade route was being designated as a “Family Area” this year I was not surprised. Apparently some people still cling to the notion that public drunkenness is somehow obnoxious and dangerous to children. Vile stereotypes!

That’s why I am pleading to Walt Disney Corp. to send their foot soldiers to La Crosse and help make a statement. Walt Disney’s ability to subtly undermine family values while simultaneously purporting to uphold them is legendary within the world of media watchdogs. Their crowning achievement, the completed perversion of Pat Robertson’s The Family Channel, needs to be recreated here!

The maddening irony for Pat Robertson, who I would here compare to some great tragic literary figure if I read those kinds of books, is rooted in his stipulation upon the sale of the cable portion of his media empire, that it should forever have the word “family” in its name. He must have made his wish with a monkey’s paw (I do watch the Monkees), because the network steadily morphed from a wholesome sanctuary for Christian values to a raunchy trashfest selling premarital SEX SEX SEX… and drugs and alcohol.

Robertson described his first glimpse of the ABC Family Network Fall 2011 lineup to his 700 Club co-host like so: “A pulpy, tentacled head surmounted a grotesque and scaly body with rudimentary wings.”

If a business can take on the Christian Fundamentalist establishment and blithely humiliate them, they can surely take on the do-gooders of La Crosse and help keep the spirit of Oktoberfest carefree. So sound the trumpets and call in the animators to draw dirty protest signs! If alcohol is not allowed in the Family Area, let us fill it with scantily clad teenagers! Let the Mississippi run over with singing fish! Save us Mickey! (Mouse or Dolenz)

STICKING IT TO THAN MAN AND HIS SOCIALIST TAX MACHINE

2011-09-06T12:13:00.000-07:00

Megan and I were in the mood for some fresh air after rain kept us indoors for most of our stay-cation last weekend. We saddled up the bikes Monday afternoon and were cruising the north side looking for action when we decided to hit up the relatively new smoke shop “Holy Smokes!” on Rose Street. Holy Shit! It was the best thing we did all weekend! We were expecting a second-rate Whitetail Crossing, but what we got was an opportunity to subvert the IRS by buying 100 cigarettes with virtually no federal or state taxes.

The scam works like this: You go in and buy a few ounces of “pipe tobacco,” which the attendant mixes to a near-identical assimilation of your big-name blend. Then they hand you the bin of tobacco and a box of tubes and instruct you how to load their cigarette machine. THEY CANNOT LOAD IT FOR YOU! It’s part of the loophole they use to scam big brother. Then there are a series of suck-and-blow sounds and machine starts blasting cigarettes at you while you laugh maniacally.

Apparently, the big savings come from the fact that federal excise tax is $2.83 per pound on pipe tobacco, as opposed to $24.78 per pound for cigarette tobacco. THIS LOOPHOLE WILL NOT LAST- because nanny state liberals and big tobacco conservatives are already massing their bipartisan powers to crush the fun. Obama the Cash-mad Hypocrite will support any measure that raises revenue, so if you don’t smoke (like me) you should start immediately and SAVE WHILE YOU CAN!

What happened to you Barack? You used to be cool!

Packer Preseason Notes

2011-09-02T12:19:00.000-07:00

Last night was the first preseason game I’ve watched more than ten minutes of and the Pack looked pretty good. My observations: I like Kevin Greene growing out his hair in solidarity with his linebacker corps, there was a commercial for snow blowers, and So’oto played like a So’ut.

Megan quote of the game: “Is So’oto the new Samkon Gado?”

I hope he is much better.

Does Sabrina have to turn in her Wiener Card?

2011-09-02T11:31:00.000-07:00

Wiener dogs are among the deadliest of all nonpoisonous mammals. The danger associated with wieners is derived not only from their teeth and claws, but from their high intelligence and aggressive dispositions. Bloodlust is their default setting. Factor in top-notch tracking abilities and deceptive cuteness, and you have an apex predator. But is our little Sabrina losing touch with her dachshund roots?

The Mississippi is finally down to normal levels after being piled up behind downstream flood waters all summer. That means Airport Beach is dry again so we took the dogs over. It was a good time but Sabrina continues to concern us with non-dachshund behavior. We’ve always known she wasn’t pure bred based on her ear-to-nose ratio and the fact that she likes to play “fetch” (usually doxies just play “take”). Now yesterday she was swimming voluntarily and retrieving her ball from the river. It is normal for wieners to take to the water for amphibious assault training or to chase muskrats, but she was just having fun!

Sabrina clearly has all the killing instincts of a dachshund, but this fun-loving side worries us. Lucy hates fun and keeps her intensity at Ultimate Warrior levels at all times. If Sabrina lets her guard down at the beach, will she someday not hear the assassin rustling in the bushes, or not detect the booby trap in the discarded McDonald’s bag?

Still, being a pure bred dachshund like Lucy is a mixed blessing. She has been gifted with exquisite physical abilities, but she is burdened by the knowledge that her advantages were bred into her over generations of selection by imperious overlords . She both loves her powers and hates the institution that created her. The result is a dog full of deep sadness and anger, yet motivated by a burning desire for justice. Sabrina has no complex identity issues and likes to play with balls.

I just hope our pups’ personalities continue to complement one another and their vermin-eradicating partnership stays strong. Our flowers depend on it.

Blog of Blogs

2011-09-01T09:50:00.000-07:00

The blog is back, but like these last days of summer it may be fleeting, so savor it while it lasts.

It has been another fine summer in West Wisco. We got in our share of camping and canoeing, visiting friends and family, and laying populist smack down on the fascists.

(If I knew how to use photoshop I would put Dan Kapanke's face over Arnold for a hilarious Total Recall reference here.)

Most recently I lost another high stakes disc golf match. I’m usually great under the pressure because I’m used to accidental fires and severely injuring my friends, but last night the disc golf gods were against.

But what does the future hold for this blog? Packers, Oktoberfest, Scott Walker recall, revolution in Syria, and wiener dogs will all get heavy coverage. Also expect more mystical revelations and complaints about the damn neighbor kids (at least they’ve been staying out of the dumpster across the street since Megan yelled at them). Oh yes, and I will continue to make tenuous connections between pro wrestling and just about anything.

Did I mention that the guy who beat me in disc golf was former Eastern Bloc Heavyweight Champion Baron Von Diskenstein?

Me Get Sick? That's Unpossible!

2010-02-01T18:09:00.000-08:00

Well, I finally caught a cold this week, ending my claim to immunity to all disease. I have not, however, completely discounted the possibility that my "cold" was actually an super-powerful intergalactic virus that rode to Earth on a meteorite and would have been wildly contagious and lethal, had my immune system not utterly crushed it.

Normal immune system:

Me (possibly):

Lending support to the Superior Constitutional Affluence Theory is the recent development that Blatz no longer has deleterious effects on my digestive system. Before you declare this a divine act, I have to disclose that it has taken the better part of two cases and two weeks for my body to adjust to its new chemical makeup.

Bottom line: My Constitution score has risen from 18 to the demi-god/hobo level of 19. I also get +3 bonus to all saving throws versus poison. I am unsure about my status regarding Lycanthropy.

It's Almost Spring!

2010-01-21T13:41:00.000-08:00

OK, Emily. I am a liar, but you should have known that.

Things have been really busy here, so I have already missed a few weeks of blogging. Plus, we just got Netflix.

This year I have already missed a few golden opportunities for blogs (bloggertunities).

It’s too late to talk about Christmas or New Years.

Now that the Packers’ season is over, I missed my chance to expound on the virtues of having a professional wrestler as linebacker coach.

And Lucy tearing off Bob Barker’s balls as retribution for his anti-reproductive rights demagoguery is just plain old news.

BUT PANIC NO MORE! I have some hot new content that is going to blow the internets’ mind!

PROFILE OF A FRIEND: Part 6- Emily S.

Emily only sees me a few times each year, and those times are, without exception, among my most abhorrently drunken episodes.

She could choose to regard me as raging alcoholic asshole with no respect for any person, place, or liver. She could dismiss me as a reckless fire-jumping showoff. Even worse, she could have written me off as one of her brother’s loser friends.

Instead, presumably using the innate forgiveness common to all American Indians, Emily has chosen to look past any mildly racist comments I may have uttered during those juiced-up incidents and made herself my friend.

GREATEST ACHEIVEMENTS:

-Has captured with her camera some of the most thrilling camping exploits ever performed.
-Was Markus’ first kiss.
-Has the movie Newsies memorized, even the hardcore gay sex scenes.
-Loves all dogs unconditionally, even if she has never met them.
-Possesses an unrelenting hatred of the Minnesota Vikings, despite the innate forgiveness common to all American Indians.
-Was Jake’s last kiss
-Is a member of Team Conan.
-Was Markus’ last kiss.
-Tim is still alive.

Emily, thank you for you friendship/codependence/enabling.

It's Friday, People

2009-12-18T16:11:00.000-08:00

I am hanging out waiting for Megatron to get home from work. Then we are going to party the fuck down.

Actually, we're probably going to stay home and watch reruns on TV.

Then tomorrow we're going to party the fuck down. The Cool Waters Band reunion is one day away and all the Fox Valley's coolest cats are going to be there. I plan on posing as Aaron Rodgers to sneak into the VIP lounge to smoke bong loads with Marion Barry and Senator Insanitos.

I am rolling from La Crosse with my tightest posse- Megatron 312-81, Lil' Danger Pawz, and Da Ass Bawwmb Killah.

Can you believe this is Da Ass Bawwmb Killah's first trip to the Fox Valley?

Anyone who is going to be there should bring their party pants and probably their drinking shoes. Adam's house is walking distance away! Marion Barry is going to post-party there!

Have nice weekends, y'all.

2009-12-11T17:02:00.000-08:00

I am bringing the blog back. This week was my thirty-first birthday, and I think that is as good a reason as any to start this shit machine up again. Some of you may be thinking, “Brad, you are going to post three blogs and disappear again. We can’t go through this again!”

Not this time, muchachos! I am committing to posting at least one blog per week for one year. That’s a guaranteed 52 editions of Brad goodness.

But wait, there’s more! In addition to the 52 regular editions of The Blog of Brad, preferred subscribers will get access to bonus editorials, holiday specials, and a Packer Super Bowl XLIV supplemental.

There may even be surprise celebrity contributions. I shouldn't give away too many details, but I’ll tell you that he wears sandals, walks on water, and has a deep hatred of Nutella that he wants to tell the world about!

NUTELLA !!!!!!

So yeah, that’s it. It was my birthday.

2009-06-08T19:26:00.000-07:00

Brett Favre will soon be giving a definitive answer to the Vikqueens. Who thought this moment would ever happen? When Montana joined the Chiefs I shrugged him off as a diehard racist, but Favre going to Minnesota is pure egomaniacal vengeance! I can respect that.

But this is just another notch in the belt of progress. True change we never thought was possible is raining on our doorstep. THE TIMES THEY ARE A CHANGING! (exclamation)

REAL reform of our health care system is at hand!!! (exclamtaiotn, exclamation, exclamation!!!) We will never torture again, we respect Arab nations, Israeli autonomy, and chicks.

But North Korea can suck us. They test a nuke, Obama sends in F-22's, they cry about escalation, Obama says," Hey, its cool."

WITHOUT HYPERBOLE:

We cou;d do much worse.

http://www.gactv.com/gac/nw_headlines/article/0,,GAC_26063_5817357_,00.html

sleep tight until the next missile attack.

nite,

Interrogation Transcript RE: Polar Plunge 2009

2009-03-09T18:19:00.000-07:00

The Polar Plunge was colder than I remember. I was reassured, knowing that at this time of year the Black River's fecal count is at its lowest. Freeze Cuz We Believe was our team of EBHE-AllSTARS. Feeling my body seizing up, trying to get out of the water, made me think of Brett Favre's last playoff game.

Besides the plunge itself, an equally memorable chain of events unfolded when a chick walked into the men's changing tent, just while two enormous old hillbillies were completely naked. After she screamed and ran out, the two were vocally disappointed that she had left so quickly.

Things were relatively under control at that point.

Some long-haired goth-boyscout types came in the tent, and Animal (the REALLY hairy hillbilly) says, "Hey, its another one! And another one!"

Then he starts singing the song "Turn The Page," specifically the part that goes, "its the same old cliches, is that a woman or a man."

Suddenly he's angry that no one was singing along. "What's fuckin' the matter, don't you kids know the classics?"

My teammate Andy (position: left splashback) stands up and responds angrily, "Hey! We know the Bob Seger!"

That's when I got in both their beards and spit out, "Yeah, we listen to the same shitty radio station every day at work and every time that song plays I mention how much I hate it..."

Then Andy and I busted into a shreddin' a cappella cover of "How I Could Just Kill A Man."

Those guys buzzed off. AND THAT'S HOW YOU KEEP THA PEACE!

Hugo Chavez, You Used To Be Cool.

2009-02-24T20:32:00.000-08:00

That's right, Hugito. I am retracting all "props" which have been bestowed upon thee!

You were cool when you used to smoke Cubans and jam with Harry Belefonte.

Who could forget the drama at the United Nations when you called George Bush the devil and received an ovation?

You hobnobbed with the movers and shakers of Hollywood!

You gave the poor of Venezuela the feeling that they have a stake in the future of their nation.

SLUMS AND 'BURBS OF CARACAS:

I understand that when trying to maintain order within a society with such vast disparities in wealth, you sometimes need an external source of fear to deflect criticism of your regime's shortcomings.

But now your favorite target, the evil Gee-Dub, is out and Barack-Obama-Super-Star is in, and it is time for a new boogieman.

Is anti-semitism really the best you can come up with? You're careful not to say anything too inflammatory, beyond run-of-the-mill anti-zionism, but its hard to believe, with all your control over your nation's media, that you do not approve of the stream of anti-semitic rants coming from Venezuelan pundits.

I guess we shouldn't be too surprised, since your gay lover Mahmoud is a Holocaust-denying douche who has used Israel and the struggle of the Palestinian people in the exact same way for years.

"What? You don't have anything to eat? That's interesting, but did hear what those jack-offs in Israel did yesterday?"

Weak.

Birkebeinerin' 2009

2009-02-23T16:03:00.000-08:00

I was a little apprehensive going into my fourth Birkebeiner last Saturday.

Ullr had been neglecting the dutiful skiers who had been giving him offerings of Leinie's and Hebrew National Beef Franks- almost three weeks without any snow. He was surely sequestered in his hall, Ydalir, deep in preparation for Ragnarok. He would not remember the Creamy Dark poured onto the cliffside or the hot dog that fell into the grill.

Actually, there was still a good base to ski on, thanks to the world class Birkie groomers, and an inch fell Friday night to make a perfect course.

Megan, Erin, and I hitched a ride up to Cable with Terrence. After an obligatory bathroom stop at the Leinie Lodge, we hit Cable blasting "Birkie Fever."

Long story short, I knocked 8 minutes off my previous best and didn't fall down at all- pretty satisfactory considering the lack of training. As always, Megan is the best one-woman race support team I could ask for!

Now that the Birkie is over, my only real worry is Nidhogg.

PS- first-hand photos will be forthcoming. so relax!

Truth Revealed!

2009-02-11T19:36:00.000-08:00

Lucy and Sabrina are getting along very well these days. When I got out of the shower tonight they were snuggled together in my towel. I still used it and now I smell like dog.

... but before the pups came to terms with living together, there had to be a conclusive confrontation.

Sabrina had the kong and Lucy was upset about it. Lucy went into her favorite toy-stealing maneuver and started barking insanely, in a ploy to lure Sabrina into a chase away from the toy. Lucy would then double back and snatch up the unattended treasure.

But Sabrina was too quick for her! She grabbed Lucy's neck in her jaws and threw her across the room. Lucy leapt to her feet and came back with a flurry of paws to the face. Sabrina put a shoulder into Lucy and drove her through our new plate glass window.

Lucy was not deterred. Her training was thorough. She struck back with a Diving Snake-Dog. Sabrina parried and countered with a Whirling Poopy Paw.

"Where did you learn to fight like that?" asked Lucy, backing off for a moment.

"Ha! What's wrong? Never met your equal? Because I know I haven't."

But Lucy was already upon her, snapping at Sabrina's face with a modified Llama-necked Crocodile Strike. Blood splattered the deck. Sabrina feigned an eye injury, then lashed out with a Dog Face Gremlin, catching Lucy in the chest. I was beginning to wonder if I would see a Norwegian Ashtray off the deck before the night was over...

Lucy had been training for this moment her entire life. She had to win, or die. The battered, smaller Lucy pulled herself to her feet and spoke.

"You never should have allied yourself with Kalid Weenie Mohammed. All his assassins have failed to kill me, and you will too... I'll send your corpse back Fed-Ex."

Sabrina burst out laughting. "You actually think I am an assassin for Kalid Weenie Mohammed? If I was an assassin you would have been dead the first day I was here. I am here to see if you're ready."

"Ready?" Lucy tensed for an attacked.

"Are you ready to face Bob Barker?"

"Who the fuck are you? What the fuck are you doing here?" snarled Lucy.

Sabrina sat down ."I knew your father. I have been in China the last three years, freeing dogs from the kennels of Shanghai, where they are sold for food."

She paused, remembering unspeakable horrors, then continued,"There is an entire brigade of these freed canines camped in the mountains of California, waiting for instructions. The Maoist Dachshund Militia, purged of Weenie Mohammed's influence, is strong once again. You have more allies in the greyhounds the MDM has liberated." A knowing smile crept across Sabrina's face. "The time is near for Bob Barker to pay for the lives he has destroyed."

Go To Wal-Mart And Buy A Shitty Movie, PLEASE!

2009-02-09T19:14:00.000-08:00

First off, it was good to see all the family this weekend in Detroit Lakes, and I hope we see each other again soon under happier circumstances.

Meanwhile, drama was unfolding in La Crosse as well...

I dodged another bullet and survived the second round of layoffs in three months, the 4th or 5th in a year-and-a-half (I've lost count).

This could have been Megan, Lucy, and Sabrina!

I guess there isn't much of a market for shitty movies unless they're prefaced with the words "American Pie Presents," or star Rowdy Roddy Piper.

So, life goes on in this never-static world. Perhaps Eugene Levy will find his place where his talents can be fully utilized and appreciated.

Now, for your viewing pleasure in these bleak times:

Attack Blog #1

2009-01-31T07:52:00.001-08:00

I was going to put up a blog debating whether the economic stimulus package going through congress should be doing more to spur the consumer economy, or if out of control consumer spending was the cause of our present instability in the first place.

Then I heard Kanye West wants fewer fans:

From People Magazine:

"I wanna make popular music, but I want less fans," West tells Vibe magazine in its February issue. "I want the freedom of having less fans. It's like the freedom of having less money. If you have less money, you have less responsibility."

He went on to clarify that he would rather have 20,000 fans who understand him than 100,000 fans who only like him because he's popular. This doesn't sound like the raging egomaniac we have come to know!

COME ON! THE BEATLES DON'T EVEN HAVE 50 "GREAT" SONGS! Kanye's pretentiousness makes me look like Donald Trump, and Donald Trump look like Gandhi.

More likely, he doesn't like the fact that having 100,000 (musically retarded) fans leaves his marginal talent open for greater scrutiny by (musically sophisticated) bloggers.

I have been on the verge of attacking Kanye West in blog forms more than once, but here it is:

When in the Course of human events it becomes necessary for one people (people who like and respect music) to point out that someone else (Kanye West) is a total douchebag, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to use naughty words.

1)Kanye West has some rapping talent, but cannot sing and should not be making money by not singing.

2) Kanye West makes me long for the prolific creativity of P. Diddy.

3) Kanye West forever ruined Daft Punk's "Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger." I don't care if they said they liked his sample. That song belongs to the Oshtuckians.

4) "What's your persona about this Americana?" -Good lyrics don't sound like lines from a Mike Tyson interview.

5) The dirty fucker tells off-color jokes about hookers' vaginas at seven-year-old boys' birthday parties.

I feel better now :)

See y'all later.

A Doghouse Divided (not Lincoln or Snoop Dogg related)

2009-01-27T21:20:00.000-08:00

We got a second dog last weekend.

Lucy is not happy.

She doesn't trust the new edition to the family. She sulks in the other room all night, wrapped in a blanket, while Sabrina and I watch Antiques Roadshow. Lucy probably fears Sabrina is an assassin from the remnants of Kalid Wienie Mohammed's faction.

Sabrina hasn't been very polite either. She is always hogging the best snuggling spots and claiming toys as her own. It would be easier if Megan and I were home together, but for now we'll take turns dog wrangling.

I miss you, Megan!

Star Date: Baraktober 6th, In The First Year Of The Age Of Obama

2009-01-25T14:32:00.000-08:00

I gotta throw up some props to President Obama and award him an A- for his first week on the job. I am sure he will make it through his 90-day probationary period.

All the bosses seem to like the new guy.

This week proves we have come a long way as a nation, but there is always room for improvement. We have still never had a woman president or a gay president, and although we have had several Whig presidents, there has never been a whigger president.

Maybe the nation will be ready for an administration like this in my lifetime.

Let us hope and pray.

Fuck Bill Clinton and the 50 States Commemorative Coin Program Act!

2009-01-19T15:16:00.000-08:00

The Wisconsin state quarter holds a dark message. It became clear to me yesterday after I did a few whip-its and listened to some Alan Jackson.

We are all corn-fed cows. We are being ordered to march Forward to the slaughterhouse, but not until after almost all our nourishing milk has been turned to cheese for the decadent rich. We have been slaves since 1848, and the brainwashing has not slackened- look at those dead eyes!

Other offensive state quarters:

Montana- Hey, we killed all the buffalo and it was so cool we 'll make a coin commemorating it!

And don't forget California's perverted pride in being the porn capital of the world...

Alabama, however, is by far the worst example:

They chose to mock Helen Keller, our revolutionary socialist hero, by putting her image on MONEY!!! Helen Keller would have told Bill Clinton and the entire 105th Congress to kiss her poorly-wiped ass. WATCH YOUR BACK, ALABAMA!

2009-01-14T21:00:00.000-08:00

I stayed home tonight because its too cold to go mousetrap shopping. The live trap isn't doing the trick, but I know an old-fashioned model will take care of business. The believed entrance route has been sealed, and unless I'm dealing with mind-phreaked Secret of NIMH rodents, the house will be vermin-free soon enough.

Besides disappointing Albert Schweitzer, there hasn't been much action over here. That means I have time to try wining tickets and meet-and-greet passes to the WWE event in La Crosse this weekend. You need to email a picture of yourself as a wrestler of your own creation and be chosen as the most bestest. Yes, I think its still okay to do that kind of shit after 30.

But you should know that by now.

Other recent immature moments:

-I laughed out loud at a racist joke in Gran Torino (what can I say? Clint Eastwood has good timing).

-I said "fuck" three times in one sentence (that chick at McDonald's had it coming).

-I read Mrs. Frisbee and The Rats Of NIMH (research).

-Before leaving for work I jumped on Megan while she was sleeping and yelled "See you later!"(I'm just a dick)

-I kicked the dog because she chewed up my Chewbacca action figure, right before he was going to liberate droid slaves from the Spice Mines Of Kessel.

The moral of this rambling is, you're only as old as you feel, so you should cling to your youth... with botox and shit.

Goings On

2009-01-12T18:19:00.000-08:00

We got another five inches of the white stuff today- just enough to cover up the dog shit in the yard... I'll pick it up in the spring.

The snow has also been good for the ski training. This year I'm going to wipe the smug look off Terrence's face!

I also have to acknowledge Heath Ledger's posthumous Golden Globe for his role as The Joker, mainly because his look was largely ripped off from my Halloween 2006 costume:

I'll be expecting my check soon, thank you.

Other mildly interesting news:

Last Friday I had my first taste of absinthe. I wasn't going to join in the shot taking at a certain North Side bar because I had always heard the legal stuff is merely an expensive and shitty-tasting imposture of the drink so highly regarded by Ernest "American Eurotrash" Hemingway.

When I casually mentioned this position out loud, a grizzled old man next to me tapped my elbow and, without looking up, pointed to an unlabeled green bottle half-hidden behind some knickknacks on a shelf above the register. "The homemade," he mumbled.

Grizzled old men are always to be trusted, especially in bars, so I called for a shot- don't waste time with the drip, this is Wisconsin!

The deep emerald green liquid looked exactly like Modern Drunkard Magazine told me it should, as opposed to the off-the-shelf fare's sickly yellow. AND HOLY FUCK! Apparently all absinthe tastes like shit. I don't care what the fuck else is in it, anything 180 proof (I found out later), is going to do some damage.

I held down my urge to vomit, had one more, and had Megan pick me up. I didn't see Jesus that night, but I think absinthe is worth a second look... if it wasn't so fucking expensive, anyway.

Lets see how this thing works

2009-01-03T08:56:00.000-08:00

I have been emotionally torn for some time now. As most people reading this blog know, I am quite protective of my Myspace blog. Myspace was a handy way to get the word out to the streets, but I have finally decided to move to this new blogspot. We'll see how that goes.

Maybe now we can find out if Lucy and Bob Barker will have their final showdown...

Is this the real blog, or is this just fantasy?

2008-12-22T08:16:00.000-08:00

Well, here it is, a new era of blogging for this old time-waster!

In case you haven't heard over the internets, Megan will be working second shift for the foreseeable future. Most nights I have just sat around pining for her, lost and despondent and staring out the window a the bleak winter landscape. Tears stain my face as I watch the snow blow in the bitter wind and think of old Kansas songs. On the bright side, being lonely and depressed most of the time has created a deep reservoir of suffering to draw creative inspiration from...

There have been many greats to follow this path of aloneness.

Emily Dickinson, perhaps the greatest American poet, lived in self-imposed isolation from the rest of the puritanical society of 19th century New England. If I lived in a town where people couldn't go five minutes without quoting a Psalm I would probably done the same thing. I FEEL YOUR PAIN, MISS DICKINSON!

Bodhidharma, credited with bringing Zen Buddhism to China, stared at a wall in a cave for seven years without speaking to any of the many knowledge-seekers who got in his grill. COMPROMISE IS FOR THE WEAK!

Peter Noone of Herman's Hermits wrote some of the most poignant music of the 20th Century, although we never found out who the hell "Herman" was. His greatest contribution to his art was throwing out convention and making the "second verse, same as the first."

And of course, this list would not be complete without mention of David Coverdale. Who hasn't put themselves in his shoes when singing "Here I Go Again" while crying in the shower in a bloody clown suit? YOU KEEP ME STRONG, MR. COVERDALE!!!

So, feel free to drop in and visit me and break up my boredom any weeknight between 6 and 10 PM, but only if you want to diminish my greatness. WEEKENDS ARE ALL YOUR'S MEGAN!